How does she do it?

Many of you have been wondering - how is it that Caitlin gets people to participate in this nonsense?

For that matter, you might be asking yourself: how is it that Caitlin gets me to read this Blog everyday day despite the fact that I'm "ashamed to be a part of this", she's "completely full of herself" and MetaBlog is "completely out of control"?

Good question, readership, given that the last I checked I wasn't holding a gun to any of your heads.

The answer lies in my very practiced (not-so) subtle art of Withholding Approval Until I Get My Way. Just ask everyone involved in the Ski Boat Tantrum of 2010 (the fruit of which you can all enjoy as the weather gets warmer).

It can be quite a powerful, productive force when "My Way" is closing the achievement gap for 60 3rd graders in The Bronx, but an equally powerful destructive force when "My Way" is getting Farmer Dan to take his clothes off, Wes to hold his head back like a nosebleed and Bernie for us, and Judith to write me fake blogs about names that are simply not names.

I can't reveal too much more about this manipulative art publicly - as I believe my parents read my Blog and "My Way" has a few other projects in the works.

In Which Certain People Get Ahead Of Themselves/Can Shove It

Yesterday I outed MetaBlog's real purpose as having gone to great (roundabout) lengths attempting to Impress A Boy, and you've all been dying to know who* that might be.

Well the aforementioned Gentleman, assuming himself to be both the Boy in question and in-like-Flynn, had the audacity to correct yesterday's post.

(Boy): don't you mean raison d'etre?









(I am going to keep hitting the return key to signify sighing, my teacher stare, taking off my glasses, sighing again, and then calmly relaxing)

Yes, goddamnit. You're right. That IS what I meant. And yes, it did cross my mind while walking from one of my jobs to another of my jobs after my full-time grad school class and a 5 am workout that I might have gotten that wrong, but strangely, I just simply didn't have the time to remember to double-check.

Also strangely, MetaBlogger didn't exactly take you for a "words" kind of guy, particularly French words. We'd like to extend an open invitation (read: challenge) for YOU to compose a blog and see if you're so perfect. And no it can't be about rowing, or iPhones, and you can't have Jamie write it for you.

*Not actually in any way true, no one cares in the slightest.

Don't Be Fooled By the Rocks That We Got

We here at MetaBlog are still Jenny from the Block. Even though my Blog is ELECTRIC (and I have recently received reluctant verbal confirmation that my blog's real raison d'etat - Impressing a Boy - is, in fact, working) I haven't forgotten my roots. This is, after all, a Blog about your Blogs.

This weekend Mo had a new post about being a Mexarab - great despite some editorial changes to make it less "offensive". That is why your Metablogger promises never to get married, lest my creativity be stifled.

My Archnemisis Mitchell London, who occasionally takes a break from his impending creative doom to write for DC's culture blog Brightest Young Things, did an excellent write up on a Girl Talk show he attended.

A note on this: Mitchell's failure to ©MetaBlog* on his use of "come hard in the paint" in his article will be overlooked JUST THIS ONCE as he basically came up with my poll "How long until I become the thing I hate most?"** but I refused to ©Mitchell London as doing so only encourages him. Tit for Tat, Mitchell. But we're even now.

And lastly, Gournalist Denver Nicks is brilliant as always in a display of Real Writing about Real Things for Real Magazines.

* Yes, this should be ©FamerDan, but now that you work for me I own all of your intellectual property. Birthday parties don't just throw themselves, sweetheart.

** Which, by the way folks, don't think it's gone unnoticed that you've been voting "5 Minutes Ago" in higher numbers. That's fine, Haters. Go back to reading your 21 year old sister's Facebook status updates. Cause that generation really knows how to write things worth reading. #not

Snow Day on the Compound

Everyone's favorite Bad Example Hot Mary painted the town red (then white) last night, taking full advantage of the University's cancellation, while I stayed in and prepared for 3 presentations that ended up not happening. We caught up with her as she crunched up the driveway this morning.





Me: (opening the door and staring)
Mary, caught off guard: Oh!
Me: (starting to laugh)
Mary (looks down at her own outfit): Obviously.






We don't know about you, readership, but we here at MetaBlog think being bad never looked so good.


Thanks to Hot Mary for getting out there and giving us somethin to blog about.

#notkanyeyet

Intern Dan seems to be a bit confused about "Snow Days". Ironically, while posting on Facebook and GChatting up a storm, Young Daniel seems to believe that the Internets Have Closed Due To Inclement Weather.

We here at MetaBlog never close, and know when to capitalize on high internet traffic days. But Intern Dan seems to have gotten a little too big for his 36" inseam britches, and wants "pancakes and a contract" before he takes his clothes off.

A word of warning, Intern. Not everyone is thrilled by your meteoric rise.

Mike: This weekend is getting worse
Mike: no friends in town cause there aren't flights
Mike: meanwhile FD is sick but still getting booty in futures stock
Mike: rabble rabble rabble

Not to mention that Judith is dangerously close to deeming your name not a name. See her open letter to Jeff Goldblum.


So as you can see, Intern Daniel Tesfay, now is not the time to start behaving like Lindsay Lohan. We'll accept a video apology from your remote location. I think you know of what. #truewinner #igotowork

Get Rich or Die Tryin

I have something to confess, readership. I monetized.

Now, no...wait. Wait! Don't go. Shhh. Listen.

I have researched the production costs, and I will need $100 to mass produce the Date Farmer Dan Desk Calendar that will be going on sale at Wes Ven Johnson's table of other LBJ merchandise, which in turn will pay for the Petting Zoo we are hiring for Farmer Dan's Farm Themed Birthday Party (you heard it hear first!) So you see, I need to make ad revenue to finance it! #partyfinancialmanagement

To help me do so, I have appointed a Board of Directors. I, of course, will be President and CEO, in part because Metablog shouldn't have a glass ceiling, but more so because I most resemble Mark Zuckerberg in my awkward abrasive personality tendencies. Other board members named:

Mike, Idea Man
Elsa, Social Media and Marketing Director
Emily, Legal Dept.

Unfortunately I couldn't name Farmer Dan to the Board for lack of job experience (#getahaircutandajob), but I have named him Intern, which means he has to do what I say. Also, if you think you have what it takes to make it at Metablog, apply here.

Now, during our first Board Meeting today via international tele-conference (group g chat) London-based Social Media Director Elsa Monge reminded us that we must be willing to engage with our readership, lest we lose our base to a competitor.

Good thing an idea came earlier in the day from Trent regarding this very thing:

Trent: if you want to monetize your blog, the most obvious way is to have Farmer Dan take his shirt off. This will drive readers, who then will become hooked to your witty banter…. call him milk….also known as a loss leader in the grocery industry.

Thanks, Trent, for that great idea. I'll bet our readership wouldn't mind seeing you shirtless either.

SO, Blogosphere, if you are willing to keep visiting our site, we will do two things:

1) Stop using #trendingtwittertopics. I know, I know, we off that.

2) For every 100 hits - Intern Farmer Dan will take off a piece of clothing. (Don't worry, Google AdSense Reviewer* who will be "constantly monitoring" my site, this will be in no way pornographic.)





Now unfortunately for you, ladies - MetaBlog monetized during Austin's coldest cold snap ever. But your clicks are like the steam engine driving this strip tease. With a little work Dan will be heatin' up SRH like a back up generator.





*PS, Google AdSense Reviewer - how did you wind up with a job in which you literally get paid to dick around on the internet?
Also, while I've got you, Google AdSense Reviewer - since you work at Google - can you confirm or deny for us whether Jim made up "Gargoyling"?

In Which I Am Humbled

Farmer Dan's sizzling page has led to a tremendous response.

My friend Samantha and sister Kelly, both of similar mind and banter style (naturally, as I taught them everything they know - but not everything I know) each independently submitted a plea to our Daniel asking that he consider her.

So I present to you, audience, the following two guest bloggers. Their words are their own, and their love is real.

Me: WHAT? No. Absolutely NOT we are not using those pictures.
Sam: You can't edit submissions
Me: Of course I can.
Sam: It may be your blog
Sam: But this is my one chance at love.

Not surprisingly, Kelly said something similar although hers was the general big sisters "Don't F**k this up". Although Dan I'd be careful about Kelly - as I imagine that she simply couldn't stand that for about 48 hours there (while she was on vacation and unable to defend her title) I was Funnier Than Her.

But now, the world is back in order. I am humbled and outdone.