Chic Camping

As we haven’t had a visit from the Austin Police Department in about 3 days, it’s time for the Compound to have another party! Specifically, for Hot Mary’s birthday. I went to the cottage last night to help in party planning, which is something that one would expect would be easy, given that I attend a premier Acting school and Mary attends a premier Listening school.

Unfortunately, other forces intervened. Specifically, as Mary self-diagnosed the other day in regards to a whole manner of things: “The thing about me is, I’ve lived in California all my life.”

Now, Mary had told me the other day that she wants a “beach party” theme for her birthday. In trying to more specifically peg that down, I asked, innocently “like..a Luau?”.

Mary looked at me with as much disgust as if I’d suggested a fetus party. Hereafter that look, (60% disgust and 40% fear that I might be serious), will be denoted with an ellipsis.

Mary: So, I want, maybe, beach balls everywhere, and some lanterns, and some pink flamingos.
Me: ok, well here are some flamingos on Oriental Trading. And palm trees. Do you want palm trees?
Mary: …
Mary: no, too luau.
Me: Maybe I’m not understanding your vision of what kind of beach this is.
Mary: You know, like, chic camping.
(At which point it is my turn to give the ellipsis look)…
Mary: Like, the VIP camping section at Coachella.
Me: That’s not a thing. That’s not a real thing.
Me: Fine. (randomly calling out the supplies I’m finding on Oriental Trading) Ooh! They have religious kites!
Mary: …
Mary: why would we want religious kites?
Me: why WOULDN’T we want religious kites? They say “Praise the Lord” among other messages of hope. And they’re only $13 for a dozen.
Mary:… we’ll put those in the “maybe” column.

Enter Katy Z, stage left (aka gchat)
Me: We’re planning a beach party.
Katy Z: ooh! Can I wear my coconut bra?
Me: NO. It’s specifically NOT a LUAU.
Katy: Well, can I wear a Florida shirt with zinc oxide on my nose?
Mary: No, no Florida.
Me: Well, then how are we supposed to be in theme?
Mary: It’s not really a theme, it’ s just how we’re decorating.
Katy: Ok, so like, Hamptons? Can I wear a big hat?
Mary: Well, I already had a hat party. (…) So she can wear a hat. But, I won’t be wearing one.

Me: Ooh! They have “design your own kites”!
Mary: …
Me: That way they can be religious, you know, if people wanted…or not.

Anyway, I left the cottage charged with the task of making a Facebook invite for a party I don’t fully understand, because I don’t understand any party that wouldn’t enjoy a “design-your-own-kite” station. All I really know is that we’re on a beach, camping, except the kind of camping where indie bands show up to your VIP port-a-potty, and we’re not in Hawaii, and we’re not Saved By the Bell’s beach house episodes, and we’re not in Florida, and we’re not wearing hats. But we are celebrating the Compound’s most fabulous resident, and there will be beer, and I sincerely doubt Katy Z or Mary will be wearing anything that resembles a shirt. So mark your calendars.

Landamlett Wedding Necessity

Photo Submitted by Garrett Haake.

Someone set up a skype booth of Russ singing Keith's 2003 hit album, "Feelings" or whatever it was called.

Blog, Counter-blog

Hot blog http://allisongettingmarried.tumblr.com/ is stepping up its game and needs your ideas to plan a wedding, which Mitchell just started doing evidently. All of the dream features listed and submitted could come true! Including,

# 10. Free bitch slaps from Caitlin, well known to be the World's Least Friendly Human Being.

Y'all know where to send your REAL ideas.

Allison Getting Married!!!! Like, soon.

I woke up this weekend in a panic. I have SO MUCH TO DO before the Landamlett wedding, 3 weeks hence. I have precious little time to buy new Wayfarers, feed vicious rumors about myself into the Mountainbrook parent gossip circle, and write a toast about Mitchell.

But the panic was also paired with a preemptive sense of loss (see: In Memoriam, coming soon) for the blog that has given us so much joy - allisongettingmarried. Because once she does, it will become incorrect tense. And we will lose it forever.

Which got me to thinking. Has anyone else felt that Mitchell's G-Rated limitations* on allisongettingmarried have kept it from reaching its full potential? Are there often questions you'd like to ask and photos you'd like to submit that are shunned by his Puritanical editorial eye?

Then you've come to the right place. Metablog is the home for your PG (SCANDAL) ideas of all things allisongettingmarried could be. And yes, Mitchell, this is how I beat you for fellowships. I took your ideas and slutted them up.

Some ideas for the adult version of allisongettingmarried:

1. A single person match generator, in which two people are randomly paired for hook ups at the wedding. Like a pre-fixed game of Spin The Bottle. Except, the only possible combination is Matty and Denver.

2. A place to post all the lines you've crossed out in red on your toast draft, your sense of good taste having won out. Like how I won't talk about the time I made Allison attend a bachelorette sex toy party with me, and I know what she bought.***

3. A virtual tour of the reception hall, filmed with Keith having sex in each room. From the first-person-point-of-view of the Ringbearer's helmet cam.

Submit your ideas here!

*in bed **

**heyO

***nothing, see first Coda.

Standing Outside The Fire

Things were pretty bleak for a while, there, Blogosphere. The complete and utter destruction of my computer in an incident we will call, non-ironically, Watergate. The complete and utter destruction of my soul by Public Financial Management. The guy from Cali Swag was murdered, never to impart the knowledge of how to Dougie again. We’ll just have to go back to paying for milkshake lessons.

But life, Blogosphere, is not tried if it is merely survived.

So now, better, stronger, Macbook Airier*, I have no choice but to listen to the signs the Universe is sending:

1. Google sent me a $100 gift card to spend on advertising, that I would keep blogging. This is a real thing. More on this later.

2. Metablog’s Biggest Fan Trent came to visit under the auspices of “work”, but really to figure out why Fake Trent (Mike) had failed to keep me on the blogwagon.

3. With her Farewell Spectacular looming, someone must fill the void left by Oprah (that is, the sliver of the void still unfilled by her cable network).

4. While there hasn’t been much to report about life on The Compound except that we got two cats and our water pressure has been inconsistent, at best – much in the larger world has gone unreported. So many names have been Not-Names, so many things Hot Mary has worn have been Not-Shirts, and Wes has learned about so many foods that are Not-Whataburger. (“What is this, a giant onion?” “No, Wes. It’s a melon.”)

5. People have gotten entirely too comfortable saying dipshit things around me (see above), thinking it won’t be broadcast to the world.

6. Dan called me irrelevant. And now he will pay.

So lawyer up, Blogosphere, and roll that montage sequence of me learning to Blog again.

*we’ll give Kelly Sharp a six year time out to recover from this latest injustice. Although given that she is probably reading this post on her iPhone4, we will reduce that to six minutes to get over it.