If You Can't Beat 'Em - Join 'Em.

And then beat 'em.

Farewell, Blogosphere.

He's more an Atari...

Dear Farmer Dan,

I'm not so much a Robocop as I am a Gold Digger.

Which is why, demonstrably, this never would have worked between us.

Benevolently, I wish you all the best with Samantha, or any other woman who is less shocked to discover that you graduated from college in the year 2009.

Lots of love anyway, and please do get in touch if you ever need career advice or a guarantor on your next lease.


Kelly

FARMER DAN RESPONDS!

Thank you for your wonderful submissions. They all made me laugh and for that, you will always have a special place in my heart.

I thought about writing real letters, but decided that it would be impossible to survive the wait, and no one in their right mind would pay an exorbitant amount of money to have a letter tracked by the postal service. Right?

Judith, Katie, and Kelly:
I have good news and bad news. The good news is, despite my slow response, I still like you girls. The bad news is I don’t really like like you girls. See, I've met you (Kelly you don't count as knowing Caitlin is enough of a red-flag) - and thus it is far easier to put Samantha on a far-away and indestructible pedestal.

Judith,
I know you’re probably thinking, “This blog is stupid. Why am I even looking at it? And I wrote a submission for Jeff Goldblum, not you, idiot.”

It is quite obvious that your persistence in voting for Jeff Goldblum instead of me, and your decision to buck the trend and write a submission for an old, semi-famous guy who will never know your name instead of someone who actually exists in your life is really nothing more than a brilliant plan to devalue my worth to better your own chances. I get it.

A few words about your submission: I’m actually 6’4’’ just like Jeff Goldblum (that last part should be pronounced like “plum,” but with a “b”… obviously not a name), and plenty of people have had successful lives despite not getting a role as the drunk party-going extra in Annie Hall:

Not bad, huh? These three gentlemen account for a Nobel Peace Prize, 11 Grammys, and a Sixth Man of the Year Award. The point is, I may be broke as a joke right now, but I’m working on that. Jeff Goldblum’s biggest accomplishment is Jurassic Park. That’s pretty impressive, but I’d rather shoot for a Nobel Peace Prize, 11 Grammys, and/or a Sixth Man of the Year Award.
Your plan was clever, but you didn’t come correct. You don’t have to lie about your feelings, and you certainly shouldn’t try to make me look like a scrub to better your odds. That’s just weak, Judith. (But you still have bangs… call me? Don’t tell Samantha.)

Katie,
I watched your video but I didn’t really understand it because I happen to be of the male persuasion. Also, those cards sort of make things romantic for a little while, but the more I thought about it, your speech impairment could be an issue. I mean, we could sit around writing on poster board all day in order to communicate, but the number of trees that would have to die for that to become a reality is more than I can stand. And I like being able to sleep at night with a clear conscience. That being said, you’re a pot of chili and a sheet of chocolate chip cookies away from getting a ring on it. For real.

Kelly,
What happened to you? For the readers who weren’t around, Kelly had a dramatic fall from grace in which she started criticizing me for my age, not calling her at a phone number I don’t have, and then began talking (to no one in particular) about her job, lunch, a dog and other nonsensical babble before screaming something about not needing me (yeah, right) and fleeing the (chat)room. You have established yourself as a Robocop.

Furthermore, as funny as wearing the recycling turns out to be in a blog, at the end of the day, you’re just wearing trash. There is a distinction when you’re putting recycling and trash into their respective bins, but when you are draping all of that stuff on your body… honey, then it’s all just trash. I guess Caitlin didn’t tell you, but you have to be first day of school fresh, everyday. Cardigans, jackets with elbow pads, horn-rimmed glasses and boots can help keep you fresh. Tin cans and wine bottles cannot.

I hope you find peace with your internet links, art trolley, and second apartment. Do yourself a favor and have the walls padded. And don’t come within two states of me. #nutcase

Samantha,
You extended a difficult challenge and I’m not entirely sure that I can measure up. I’m only 6’4’’. It’s possible that I’m not worthy of your Tuesday lunches because I have no idea what that entails. My dance moves are okay, but when “Teach Me How to Dougie” becomes old news, so will my act. Basically, the one thing I have going for me is that I’m Caitlin’s second prettiest friend (until Elsa gets engaged or lets herself go, in which case I’ll take the crown).

I’m not entirely sure what that does for you, but it can’t hurt, right?

In the meantime, I’d like to get to know you, to better understand your demands and to train myself to meet every last one. If you have a place for a tired farmhand to rest his head (your bedroom? I mean that in a good way), I’ll begin riding my bike in your direction before sunrise tomorrow.

Your farmhand,

Farmer Dan

How does she do it?

Many of you have been wondering - how is it that Caitlin gets people to participate in this nonsense?

For that matter, you might be asking yourself: how is it that Caitlin gets me to read this Blog everyday day despite the fact that I'm "ashamed to be a part of this", she's "completely full of herself" and MetaBlog is "completely out of control"?

Good question, readership, given that the last I checked I wasn't holding a gun to any of your heads.

The answer lies in my very practiced (not-so) subtle art of Withholding Approval Until I Get My Way. Just ask everyone involved in the Ski Boat Tantrum of 2010 (the fruit of which you can all enjoy as the weather gets warmer).

It can be quite a powerful, productive force when "My Way" is closing the achievement gap for 60 3rd graders in The Bronx, but an equally powerful destructive force when "My Way" is getting Farmer Dan to take his clothes off, Wes to hold his head back like a nosebleed and Bernie for us, and Judith to write me fake blogs about names that are simply not names.

I can't reveal too much more about this manipulative art publicly - as I believe my parents read my Blog and "My Way" has a few other projects in the works.

In Which Certain People Get Ahead Of Themselves/Can Shove It

Yesterday I outed MetaBlog's real purpose as having gone to great (roundabout) lengths attempting to Impress A Boy, and you've all been dying to know who* that might be.

Well the aforementioned Gentleman, assuming himself to be both the Boy in question and in-like-Flynn, had the audacity to correct yesterday's post.

(Boy): don't you mean raison d'etre?









(I am going to keep hitting the return key to signify sighing, my teacher stare, taking off my glasses, sighing again, and then calmly relaxing)

Yes, goddamnit. You're right. That IS what I meant. And yes, it did cross my mind while walking from one of my jobs to another of my jobs after my full-time grad school class and a 5 am workout that I might have gotten that wrong, but strangely, I just simply didn't have the time to remember to double-check.

Also strangely, MetaBlogger didn't exactly take you for a "words" kind of guy, particularly French words. We'd like to extend an open invitation (read: challenge) for YOU to compose a blog and see if you're so perfect. And no it can't be about rowing, or iPhones, and you can't have Jamie write it for you.

*Not actually in any way true, no one cares in the slightest.

Don't Be Fooled By the Rocks That We Got

We here at MetaBlog are still Jenny from the Block. Even though my Blog is ELECTRIC (and I have recently received reluctant verbal confirmation that my blog's real raison d'etat - Impressing a Boy - is, in fact, working) I haven't forgotten my roots. This is, after all, a Blog about your Blogs.

This weekend Mo had a new post about being a Mexarab - great despite some editorial changes to make it less "offensive". That is why your Metablogger promises never to get married, lest my creativity be stifled.

My Archnemisis Mitchell London, who occasionally takes a break from his impending creative doom to write for DC's culture blog Brightest Young Things, did an excellent write up on a Girl Talk show he attended.

A note on this: Mitchell's failure to ©MetaBlog* on his use of "come hard in the paint" in his article will be overlooked JUST THIS ONCE as he basically came up with my poll "How long until I become the thing I hate most?"** but I refused to ©Mitchell London as doing so only encourages him. Tit for Tat, Mitchell. But we're even now.

And lastly, Gournalist Denver Nicks is brilliant as always in a display of Real Writing about Real Things for Real Magazines.

* Yes, this should be ©FamerDan, but now that you work for me I own all of your intellectual property. Birthday parties don't just throw themselves, sweetheart.

** Which, by the way folks, don't think it's gone unnoticed that you've been voting "5 Minutes Ago" in higher numbers. That's fine, Haters. Go back to reading your 21 year old sister's Facebook status updates. Cause that generation really knows how to write things worth reading. #not

Snow Day on the Compound

Everyone's favorite Bad Example Hot Mary painted the town red (then white) last night, taking full advantage of the University's cancellation, while I stayed in and prepared for 3 presentations that ended up not happening. We caught up with her as she crunched up the driveway this morning.





Me: (opening the door and staring)
Mary, caught off guard: Oh!
Me: (starting to laugh)
Mary (looks down at her own outfit): Obviously.






We don't know about you, readership, but we here at MetaBlog think being bad never looked so good.


Thanks to Hot Mary for getting out there and giving us somethin to blog about.

#notkanyeyet

Intern Dan seems to be a bit confused about "Snow Days". Ironically, while posting on Facebook and GChatting up a storm, Young Daniel seems to believe that the Internets Have Closed Due To Inclement Weather.

We here at MetaBlog never close, and know when to capitalize on high internet traffic days. But Intern Dan seems to have gotten a little too big for his 36" inseam britches, and wants "pancakes and a contract" before he takes his clothes off.

A word of warning, Intern. Not everyone is thrilled by your meteoric rise.

Mike: This weekend is getting worse
Mike: no friends in town cause there aren't flights
Mike: meanwhile FD is sick but still getting booty in futures stock
Mike: rabble rabble rabble

Not to mention that Judith is dangerously close to deeming your name not a name. See her open letter to Jeff Goldblum.


So as you can see, Intern Daniel Tesfay, now is not the time to start behaving like Lindsay Lohan. We'll accept a video apology from your remote location. I think you know of what. #truewinner #igotowork

Get Rich or Die Tryin

I have something to confess, readership. I monetized.

Now, no...wait. Wait! Don't go. Shhh. Listen.

I have researched the production costs, and I will need $100 to mass produce the Date Farmer Dan Desk Calendar that will be going on sale at Wes Ven Johnson's table of other LBJ merchandise, which in turn will pay for the Petting Zoo we are hiring for Farmer Dan's Farm Themed Birthday Party (you heard it hear first!) So you see, I need to make ad revenue to finance it! #partyfinancialmanagement

To help me do so, I have appointed a Board of Directors. I, of course, will be President and CEO, in part because Metablog shouldn't have a glass ceiling, but more so because I most resemble Mark Zuckerberg in my awkward abrasive personality tendencies. Other board members named:

Mike, Idea Man
Elsa, Social Media and Marketing Director
Emily, Legal Dept.

Unfortunately I couldn't name Farmer Dan to the Board for lack of job experience (#getahaircutandajob), but I have named him Intern, which means he has to do what I say. Also, if you think you have what it takes to make it at Metablog, apply here.

Now, during our first Board Meeting today via international tele-conference (group g chat) London-based Social Media Director Elsa Monge reminded us that we must be willing to engage with our readership, lest we lose our base to a competitor.

Good thing an idea came earlier in the day from Trent regarding this very thing:

Trent: if you want to monetize your blog, the most obvious way is to have Farmer Dan take his shirt off. This will drive readers, who then will become hooked to your witty banter…. call him milk….also known as a loss leader in the grocery industry.

Thanks, Trent, for that great idea. I'll bet our readership wouldn't mind seeing you shirtless either.

SO, Blogosphere, if you are willing to keep visiting our site, we will do two things:

1) Stop using #trendingtwittertopics. I know, I know, we off that.

2) For every 100 hits - Intern Farmer Dan will take off a piece of clothing. (Don't worry, Google AdSense Reviewer* who will be "constantly monitoring" my site, this will be in no way pornographic.)





Now unfortunately for you, ladies - MetaBlog monetized during Austin's coldest cold snap ever. But your clicks are like the steam engine driving this strip tease. With a little work Dan will be heatin' up SRH like a back up generator.





*PS, Google AdSense Reviewer - how did you wind up with a job in which you literally get paid to dick around on the internet?
Also, while I've got you, Google AdSense Reviewer - since you work at Google - can you confirm or deny for us whether Jim made up "Gargoyling"?

In Which I Am Humbled

Farmer Dan's sizzling page has led to a tremendous response.

My friend Samantha and sister Kelly, both of similar mind and banter style (naturally, as I taught them everything they know - but not everything I know) each independently submitted a plea to our Daniel asking that he consider her.

So I present to you, audience, the following two guest bloggers. Their words are their own, and their love is real.

Me: WHAT? No. Absolutely NOT we are not using those pictures.
Sam: You can't edit submissions
Me: Of course I can.
Sam: It may be your blog
Sam: But this is my one chance at love.

Not surprisingly, Kelly said something similar although hers was the general big sisters "Don't F**k this up". Although Dan I'd be careful about Kelly - as I imagine that she simply couldn't stand that for about 48 hours there (while she was on vacation and unable to defend her title) I was Funnier Than Her.

But now, the world is back in order. I am humbled and outdone.